- http://www.forumginekologiczne.pl/forum/wstydliwe-pytanie-po-angielsku/watek/846941/1.html#p846941http://www.forumginekologiczne.pl/forum/wstydliwe-pytanie-po-angielsku/watek/846941/1.html Wstydliwe pytanie ( po angielsku !) karolink1234Początkująca
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I dont know where to begin. But I think that to describe my problems You need to know the facts that I have been molested by my father in my childhood, I reflected it in my plays, these plays really took the stress off me. I usually took the doll, undressed her and I pretended that someone other than my father, but still somebody adult wanted to see her naked and to touch her, I always did it on myself, I mean I took off my underpants and cried that I didn't want somebody to touch me, but still they told me they have to. In the role of somebody were my teachers, actors, adult people I had known. I felt psychological relief. I still continue it (I am adult so I imagine situation where I am dependent on somebody)but only in my thoughts. Simultaneously when I was about four I started masturbating by crossing my legs, my mom saw it and hated it, she admitted that throughout the childhood she didn't like me at all. It was very compulsive, I even counted it and it could be even 40 per once ( I don't know if they were orgasm, but it was definietely the climax of sth, usually after one time when I imagined myself very dependant on somebody touching me I started feeling angry and sad but my body still had the pleasure and some climaxes throughout the other 39 times). When I was 14 I started to feel pressure on my bladder, an urge to urine, nothing else, no pain or pinching just an urge and I urined in droplets, I still do. It's very annoying but I got used to. But know I see it gets worse after orgasm ( I never get orgasm through touching my clittoris but only through squeezing my legs, but now it's usually 2 to 3 times).
My questions are :
1.Are the problems with urining connected to my psychology or it may be something wrong with me inside me, physically?
2. Is it wrong that I don't get climax when I touch my clittoris even when I am aroused, it sometimes gets even not pleasant, and may be painful although I am not violent in it?
3. May these problems mentioned above be connected with the fact that when I was 11 my father violently put me on ground in the way I was lying and then kicked me, mostly in the lower parts of body, and the next day I had the bleeding from the vagina. I thought I got my period then, but lately I started thinking that it could have been because of this kicking, especially that next bleeding was after a year when I was 12, then I had maybe 2 periods and a gap year. I read somewhere that it's normal to have a year gap after two periods so now I think I didn't have 2 gaps, but the 1 st bleeding was because of kicking.
I have a problem with going to a gynaecologist because in some way I want to, to feel the pleasure I have from imagining, and in the dependency the situation makes I feel aroused, it's very embarrasing. Unfortunately so far I met gynaecologist who were rather brittle, and for instance told me "Come when You start your sexual life", moreover I am so embarrased that some man/woman it doesn't make difference may see I am aroused. It's very uncomfortable, and most importantly I would use her/him by going to gynaecologist. Would You feel used knowing that your patient feels sexual arousement because of the situation?